Why Is Consent So Important And When Do We Start?

Immediately. We can teach and model consent from day one :-)

I often speak about consent (and by extension sex education) in regards to children. Yes, this includes sex education, because 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

It is important to talk to children about sex, consent, and their bodies. It needs to be a continuing conversation. I have had conversations about my daughter's body and sex with her from a very early age.

Because really, I begin the conversation at birth. And by "begin the conversation", it's by respecting their autonomy. If a baby turns away from me and doesn't want to be picked up, I don't pick them up unless I have to for their health or safety.

When they are older I tell them:

"You are in charge of your body. No one else is in charge of your body."

"You are only in charge of your body. You are not in charge of anyone else's body."

and "Yes, you are in charge of your body. But I'm in charge of making sure that your body is safe, healthy, and mindful of others. And so you have to put your shoes on because it's not safe to go to school without shoes. do you want to wear your sneakers or your dinosaur shoes?"

I teach them "We're changing diapers. It's not okay to touch your penis because of potty germs right now." and "Yes, it's okay to play with your penis in the bath."

When they get a little older I talk to them about "It's okay to touch your body, but just like we go potty by ourselves, this is something we do alone"

I do this by saying "Sally, Jack is in charge of his body and he is not choosing to go on the slide, so please stop pulling his body" and "Jack, you can tell Sally 'STOP, this is my body"

I also teach them "Jack, Sally needs space for her body. Sally, it's okay to ask Jack to give you space for your body"

I say "I'm in charge of my body and I don't like being pushed. If you'd like me to come with you, ask me or hold my hand"

I ask "Do you want a hug? No? Okay. You're in charge of your hugs"

I try actively say "You're in charge of" when accepting their "no" at least once a day until it's internalized. I also phrase this as “Do you want a hug?” versus “May I have a hug?” because asking “May I have a hug?” makes it about pleasing me, and not the child's autonomy. Children instinctively want to please us, and so we need to be careful that we aren't putting unconscious pressure on them.

I teach children the appropriate words for their body parts because there is no more shame in penis or vulva than there is tonsils or toenails. And because cutesy words and family phrases can lead to confusion later on if a child has someone to report. There was a story making its rounds and whether it is true or not, the fact is it can be true. The story says a child told a teacher “Uncle licked my cookie”. The teacher had no idea that the child was really referring to their vulva because “cookie” was the family word for vulva. As someone who has worked in child care for as long as I have, I've had to give my statement to authorities too many times. Now imagine if I hadn't understood what the child was telling me because I didn't know the cutesy word?

So I teach them that they never have to keep a secret that makes them uncomfortable. If ANYBODY asks you not to tell anyone but that makes you feel bad, it's okay to tell a grown-up that you trust. And I teach them the difference between a secret and a surprise. I evolve the lessons and the language as they grow

It starts from birth and it's easier than you think. Here is a link to a video that models teaching consent to preschoolers

It is a conversation that never ends.

It never grows old.

It is never irrelevant.

Consent, autonomy, and respect are lifelong